From Summer to School

Well, friends... it's almost here. The day we all have nightmares about weeks in advance. The nightmares where the big bully steals your lunch money, a group of football players shove you in a locker, a swarm of girls walk by you examining every detail on your outfit and then clearly disapproving by shooting you a nasty look and a hair flip that makes you cringe. Everyone must be conceited, preoccupied, narcissistic, heartless jerks- or so, high school is made out to be. Unless you haven't caught on yet, that day is the first day of high school.

My high school starts in 10th grade, which means we have no freshmen but I'm still considered to be in my Sophomore year. We had orientation last Thursday so I learned some of the ropes, but I still know I'm going to be lost and confused all day tomorrow and most likely the first few weeks. Oh well, there will be 1100 other lost and confused sophomores right there with me! I'm bound to make some friends in a 2017 class of that size.

Two things I'm going to LOVE at the high school that we weren't allowed to do at the middle school is using our phones between classes and during lunch, and carrying our backpack from class to class. I'll never have to carry a load of books back and forth again! The downside of that though is that my back is probably going to be sore and hunched by the end of the day! I'll probably end up looking like this...



There's no downside to being able to use my phone though:) Except for the following side effects: lack of concentration, being preoccupied with that text I just got, antisocialism, annoying parents having an excuse to text you and blame it on you if you don't answer, running into people in the hallway, forgetting to silence phone before walking into class and having it go off and reward you a detention... other than that, GO TECHNOLOGY!!!

I don't even have a clue what I'm going to wear tomorrow. For orientation I used up an (in my opinion) super cute and comfortable outfit that I now have to wait at least two weeks to be seen in again- I'm trying to avoid social suicide here.

So, I can't wear that. I was thinking about wearing a navy blue cardigan with a blue and white polka-dot skater skirt I scored for 6 DOLLARS at a high-end used clothing store, Plato's Closet.

I like the outfit, but I'm not quite confident enough to pull it off on the very first day of high school. I'll probably scrounge something up last minute tomorrow morning when I'm still delusional from the sudden change in my sleep pattern. It's going to be hard going from staying up till 5 in the morning to WAKING up at 5 in the morning. According to my book, if it's still dark out, I should not be awake. -_- Coffee and Monster energy drinks are seriously going to be my BEST friends for the next three years!
I am vowing NOT to wear athletic shorts, t-shirts, hoodies, and sweatpants 95% of the time like I did last year. Instead I'll be incorporating more attractive and pleasing-to-the-eye clothes into my wardrobe and I will wear them with CONFIDENCE because that is more attractive than any other quality after all, right?

I think I'm ready for this year to be great. Feel free to comment any of your thoughts on starting school, or for those of you who've already been through school, feel free to share tips, tricks, and words of assurance for those of us with years still to go!

I hope everyone had an absolutely fantastic jam-packed adventure-filled summer!!!

Currently (June 2014)

Long time no see!!
I'm back :)
I have been figuring a lot of things out in my life and didn't want to make a post or update if it wasn't going to be positive or the least bit hopeful. So, you've guessed it- I am feeling slightly hopeful. I am going to write more posts this summer when I have more time and lots of challenging things will be happening in my recovery, such as having more unoccupied free time and traveling.

Current Song: I have stopped listening to music other than Christian music almost completely. The station K-Love has changed my life! The first thing I do every morning is turn K-Love on the radio. The uplifting words in each and every song help me get through the day and the challenges that come with it. Despite never switching the radio station from K-Love, my cousin told me to listen to a song called Noserings and Shoestrings by Nina Nesbitt. I AM OFFICIALLY A NESBIAN. Seriously if you haven't heard that song, leave my blog and go listen to it. I'll understand.




Current TV Series: This one is a no-brainer at the moment- The Secret Life of the American Teenager. OBSESSED. Addicted. In LOVE. This series started in 2009, way back to my 10-year old days. It is certainly not appropriate for a 10-year old to engage in watching this show because of all the talk about sex and relationships and pregnancy. My family just got Netflix a few months ago and I've been in an exclusive relationship with it ever since. I saw this show come up as a suggestion and started with the first episode, and now I'm almost up to the 3rd season in less than two weeks. It's consuming my life and I am perfectly okay with that.

Current Pastime: My Aunt brought me over her old guitar when she visited a few weeks ago. It's the perfect size for me and it works like new! I'm slightly tempted to decorate it in stickers... anyways, I am psyched to learn more and more.  My Christian mentor and friend is teaching me to play. She is amazing herself and I think we are moving a bit too fast, but I'll get the hang of it. It makes me so excited when I play something and it sounds half-decent. :) I'm currently learning how to play Noserings and Shoestrings! Long story short, my parents can say goodbye to a quiet and peaceful household.

Current Triumph: I am really proud of myself lately just for how far I have come the past few years. I look at my scars with anguish and shame, but then victoriously remember that it's been 264 days since I've mutilated my body. That, I think, is something to thank God for. Not only have I come a long way in my self harm recovery, but I have come a long way in my recovery from anxiety and depression as well. I used to be overcome with social anxiety to the point where I would hide in bathrooms and cry, or beg my parents to let me stay home from school and even make myself throw up so they would think I'm sick. I'm feel a wave of humiliation when I even think about the things I used to do and lie about to avoid situations. Today I commit to things and I go to them, even if I am not feeling up to the challenge of dealing with people. It is so much easier for me, and I have evolved into a happier and friendlier person. 

Current Food: I'm not crazy for any specific food right now, but I'm loving all the ripe in-season summer fruits. Kiwis, my first figs, strawberries, watermelon, blackberries- my mouth is watering just thinking about it. I was thinking about asking my dad for a weekly food budget for just myself so that I can spend the money wisely and have some more responsibility. I'll have my own job soon and I'll be driving before I know it and I think it's time I start setting priorities and managing responsibilities. I really hope he goes for it! Then I can go grocery shopping myself and ride my bike around to find all the great deals on fresh fruits and veggies of my choice.

Current Drink: Lately with the rising summer temperatures, I've been enjoying a good old glass of water (or two, or thirty-five). I usually add a few frozen ice cubes or a squirt of lemon and maybe even some fresh cucumber. I went to whole foods the other day and they had a jug of free water with watermelon- what a refreshing combination! I personally would rather eat the watermelon and drink the water, but it's good knowing that together they make a happy couple. My prediction is that iced coffee will be my upcoming drink of choice.

Current Blessing: I had to think about this one for a long time. There are so many hidden blessings in all of our everyday lives that it's difficult to identify and pick out one that reigns above the others. I think the one I'd have to go with is simply the change of season. I feel like this year flew by even faster than that time my crush and I had eye contact. I didn't even come to terms with what was happening before it was over. It's the first day of summer vacation and I miss school already! I feel like it's a crime to say that because most adults would give anything to have an entire summer to do whatever they want, meanwhile kids have that every year and the privilege goes unappreciated. I want to appreciate it, but I'd really rather be in school and have a routine and structure built into my day.

 

Woah there Leanne, you're supposed to be talking about a blessing and here you are lying on your bed past midnight complaining about your life! No no no. Let me start over. I said that the most eminent current blessing I have settled on was the change of seasons. It's absolutely astonishing how nature works. Nature knows that when the temperature gets cooler, the air gets crisper, and the skies get cloudier, it's time to let all the leaves change colors from an earthy green to vibrant shades of orange, red, scarlet, and yellow. Nature knows that when rain freezes before hitting the earth, animals gather food in preparation for their hibernation, and moisture departs from the air, it's time to let the plants and trees lose their leaves and give the creatures of this earth a nice environment to rest. Nature knows that when the temperatures steadily creep back up, the sun starts to peak out from beneath the muggy skies, and living things begin to awaken and spring back to life, it's time to rain and nourish the plants and trees with clean water. Nature knows that when the plants are blossoming, the grey clouds take a vacation, and the birds are chirping and singing like they're on top of the world, it's time to turn the world into a bright and beautiful place for wildlife to roam and people to explore.
It's a pretty fascinating system, don't you think?

 

Current Hair: I was really hoping to have my natural dirty blonde hair back for summer, but after dying it black a few months ago it's going to be impossible to make that the reality without damaging my already damaged hair. Basically, it would most likely fall out or break off if I bleached it. So I settled on dying it red again, since that was my personal favorite and every single person I asked thought the same as well. I'm not sure what shade of red, and I probably won't know until I go to my hair dresser in two weeks. I think I'm going to do a dark red so that the sun will fade it out over the summer and I'll end up having a sun-kissed shade of auburn for the first day of school. At least, that would be my expectation. Too bad things don't usually work out quite as you imagine them. Hey, as long as there is hair left on my head that isn't grey, I'm satisfied.

Current Wish: I have one wish right now and one wish only and that wish is to have an outstanding, fun-packed, active, exciting, and memorable summer with myself and my friends.

Current Memorable Moment: More like recent memorable moment, but I wanted to stick to the "currently" theme =) A couple of weeks ago I was on a field trip with my 9th grade class to a camp called Camp America. There were so many entertaining things to do there and everything was old-school outside fun! There were fields and courts for every sport you could think of- even miniature golf, kayaking and paddle boating, a picnic style lunch, and pools with waterslides. My friends and I were too busy with this little guy- Freddy- to do any of that, though.

Seriously, though, when was the last time you got to hold and play with a baby squirrel? This was definitely my first experience in that field of opportunity. Every squirrel I've ever come across ran the opposite direction when it saw a glimpse of me coming, but this lil' bud came to us! He has some difficulty with goodbyes, too, because he tried to follow us back onto the bus at the end of the day. I just can't get over the cuteness factor! We took over 100 pictures of him and they all came out perfecto. Freddy was quite the photogenic type.

 

Well I've gotta get back to listening to Nina Nesbitt, playing my guitar, watching The Secret Life, eating fruit, drinking water, and admiring adorable baby squirrel pictures- and you should go and do the same!

 

Auf Wiedersehen :)



 



 

By His Wounds, We are Healed

AHHHHHH I haven't posted in way, way too long. My apologies! I guess I've been pretty busy.
I just wanted to share something my youth leader Gabrielle sent to me. It's a sermon about healing, and how by Jesus' wounds we have already been healed! It's the perfect time to listen since yesterday was Good Friday and tomorrow is Easter. Jesus should be the main focus on our minds every day, but these days are most important to acknowledge all that he's done for us. By his wounds and suffering, we are forgiven and we are healed!

http://www.passioncitychurch.com/watch/#PCC-040614-V1

Tagging along to this post, my mom is searching for a Christian counselor for me. I've tried several counselors in the past and none of them worked out. They always tried to send me to extra doctors or specialists, and they wanted to tell my mom every secret and every thought and feeling I shared with them. I confided in them and they let me down every time by getting other people involved with my personal business. I'm hoping this time God will help me find someone who respects me and my rights.

On a positive note, the weather is getting nicer and I'm absolutely loving it! Have a happy Easter :)

Currently (March 2014)

There was once a wonderful girl named Jules. She once made a wonderful blog at lordstilllovesme.wordpress.com. She put up a post titled "Currently" a few days ago, and I decided to steal this fantastic and excellent idea.
Okay, not steal, borrow. Or pilfer. Purloin. Filch.
Yes, yes I did just google "synonyms for steal".

Current Song: "Write Your Story" by Francesca Battistelli is my absolute favorite song at the moment. Literally, I'm obsessed. I put it on shuffle and just listen to it on the bus, while I'm walking, while I journal, ALL THE TIME. The words are beautiful, and the message behind the song is just really awesome. Go listen NOW!!!

Current TV Series: I wish I was one of those people who had a different show to look forward to every day of the week, but I only watch two shows and they're both on Tuesdays. Bummer. To make things more depressing, I'm not super crazy about either of them. I could never watch them again and wouldn't care all that much. But hey, you need at least one designated TV night to get through the week, right?
My favorite show is Degrassi. It's probably been on since I was born, which explains why they're on like season 6392836. Okay, maybe it hasn't been on that long, but it sure seems like it. It's still good and full of juicy drama and distinct characters, just like high school actually is.
The other show I enjoy is a very popular in-depth series, Pretty Little Liars. I watched this a few years ago and was instantly hooked. Then I missed a couple weeks and had no idea what was happening, so I just stopped watching it all together. Well, a few weeks ago I discovered it was on right before Degrassi so I gave it another shot. I'm glad I did, it's just as sophisticated and exhilarating as I remember!

Current Pastime: Scrapbooking. I traveled Europe for two weeks this past summer, and snapped over 700 pictures. I would've taken even more if my camera hadn't broken (2 days before we left) in Rome during a totally unforeseen hail storm followed by torrential rain. Where in the world does it hail in 90 degree weather? Rome Italy, my friends.
Anywhozzle, my mom and I are hardcore scrapbookers. No, seriously, it's like a sport to us. It takes us like an hour per page. Each detail has to be perfect. There's what, 5 pictures a page MAYBE? 700 divided by 5 is 140 (I admit I had to use google to calculate that. Google is really coming in handy today!). That's 140 hours, and I'm pretty sure I've already exceeded that and I'm only on day 8 of the trip. Haha, at least it keeps me busy. Distractions. Distractions are good.

Current Obsession: Music. I've been listening to it almost 24/7. Right when I wake up in the morning, I turn on the radio-before I turn on the lights, before I do that huge relieving morning body stretch, sometimes even before I open my eyes. I play it on my way to school, my way home, whenever I'm in my room, in the shower, while I sleep-okay, you get the point. I love my jams. I'm a sucker for alternative and Christian rock. I'm finally outgrowing teen pop music (I don't know if you realize how big of a milestone that is).

Current Triumph: Well this one is super easy to think about. Right now, I'm finished off my 10th DAY PURGE FREE!!!!! Yes, almost a week and a half without purging. That is something I have never been able to say before. It's a personal record and I am damn proud of myself. I feel like crap because I used to use that addiction to cope with everything, and now it's all bottled up inside. I'm finding new ways to cope though. I gave purging up for lent, and I will never break the promise I made to God for these 45 days no matter what comes up. It's going to be longer than 45 days too, because after lent is over I will not give up. I will not give in.

Current Drink: Oh gosh. My mouth is watering just thinking about my answer to this one.
Three words: Apple Cinnamon tea.
OH yes. A huge mug of steaming hot apple cinnamon tea with stevia and a splash of Walden Farms maple syrup. Usually several mugs.
Absolute perfection.

Current Food: Mangos. Mangoes? However it's spelled, that doesn't change the fact that they are the most magical scrumptious mouthwatering tropical fruits on the planet. Notice I said "tropical" fruit, because melons will still be my number one fruit. If there was a fire in my house, the first things I would save are my melons.
Okay, maybe I'd save my pets first. But melons, you're second. I will never forsake you.
Wait we were talking about mangos initially right? Ah, yes. They're pretty fabulous as well.

Current Blessing: We have had beautiful weather the last two days! It has been 60 degrees outside, and the snow is almost all melted. Spring is just around the corner! I sat on my backyard patio the other day enjoying a mango (hehe) and listening to the melodious birds sing. Nature is God's greatest gift, and is so taken for granted nowadays. Most people would rather sit inside and watch TV or plant themselves in front of a computer than take their dog for a walk or just sit outside in the sun and enjoy the fresh air. I will never understand that.

Current Good Habit: I have been remembering to read my devotions every single day out of my "Jesus Calling" devotional. The book is written as if God is speaking directly to you, and I feel a wave of his presence the moment I open up the book. I would definitely recommend buying the book. You don't even have to read it everyday, but whenever you want to be reassured that God has his loving arms wrapped around you.

Current Bad Habit: This is more of a consistent bad habit rather than a current one, but biting my nails and fingers would without doubt be one of my worst habits. I suppose I'm noticing it more now because my hands are so dry from the cold weather, and I just find myself doing it whenever I'm not busying my hands with something else. I gotta stop that. I could do without weird looks from people during class, hahaha.

Current Excitement: The thing I'm super excited for right now is the Springtime and all the beautiful things God brings with it! I'm exciting to take my turtle out of his tank and let him explore the outdoors, I'm excited to get out on my bike and train for my 35 mile ride to cure diabetes in June, I'm excited to finally run outdoors again and enjoy every beautiful thing nature has to offer, and I'm exciting to grow my own fruits and vegetables in our garden. My friend and I are both going to plant apple trees and see which one grows faster! I could go on and on with reasons why I love and can't wait for Spring, but I think you get the idea!

 

What do you love about Spring? Leave a comment!

Current Mood: Right now I'm feeling pretty negative because of a bad body image day. I blocked out the voices and ate anyway, but honestly now I just feel worse. I'm hoping tomorrow is a better day! I'm going over my mentor's (from my church) house to play guitar and jam to Christian rock music! Oh that's another excitement- I'm getting my own guitar in a few weeks!

Current Hair: My hair is currently a shade of auburn. It was originally red-brown-purple when I dyed it a little over two months ago, and I absolutely adored it. Color never seems to stay in my hair though, so it's faded a lot since then, but it's still way darker than my original hair color. I'm re-dying it next weekend, and I haven't decided on a color yet! Suggestions would be awesome :)

 

This took me over two hours, I don't even know how or why. I had fun with it though! Have a lovely week everyone!

Benefits from Theatre

Back in November, I was cast in my school play, an original called Lost and Found. It's about a group of first graders (played by 7th & 8th graders, my school is from grades 7-9, me being in 9th)  who lose their imaginary friends and journey to find them. I play an elf, one of the imaginary friends. I'm also part of the select group of singers called "Lost & Found Singers".

I've done the play in 7th grade, but not last year. If you read the post about my story, you'll see that 8th grade was a really dark time for me, and there's no way I had the confidence or energy to stand on stage in front of 1500 people singing and dancing and acting my heart out. This year, I found the confidence. 

I've gone to every rehersal. No excuses, no skipping, no quitting. I've put my everything into my part, and it has really payed off. I'm psyched for the performances next week. I've even invited my aunt and uncle, and my youth group leaders who are very close to me, to come see how hard I've worked.

Another thing? I can change into my costumes in the dressing room around everyone else because I'm less insecure, and I don't feel judged. I was insecure before, not just because of my weight, but because of the scars on my shoulders and thighs. Now, I've realized that I should have to hide my body. It's MY body. If someone decides to judge my imperfections, I should feel bad for them. They don't know the true meaning of beauty. They don't understand that what you look like does not EVER define who you are.

Another thing that theatre has helped me with is my social anxiety. I've met so many wonderful friendly people, and everyone is nice to everyone. I even met a guy that I have my eye on ;) Because of all the practices and rehersals, I'm around people alot more often. Being busier also leaves less time when I come home to get into trouble, if you know what I mean- binging and purging, since that's usually the result of my boredom.

Stepping out of your comfort zone is scary, but the reward is well worth it.


PS. If you would be interested in me posting recipes on my blog, please comment! I'd love your suggestions and ideas :)

From Wars to Dreams

I discovered a few old files on my computer at school today.
One of them specifically caught my eye, and it's a paragraph I wrote about 6 months ago in September. It perfectly portrays the rollercoaster that constantly goes on inside my head, although now that I look back and read what I wrote, I realize that I'm not as deeply trapped inside my mind of corrosive thoughts as I was before.
I titled the paragraph "The War Within Me":

"Whenever you think it’s over, it’s not. Whenever you think you’re happy, you’re not. You’re never truly happy. That feeling is a result of listening to what the evil voice in your head tells you to do. You feel accomplished, like you’ve finally done something right; when in reality, you’ve hurt yourself further. You’ve fallen deeper, into this trap of a disorder; into this cycle of slow suicide. You’re breaking. But you can’t do anything about it; you’re not in control anymore. When you do something the disorder doesn’t approve of, you not only hate what you did, but you hate yourself. You hate your life. You want to end everything, you want to give up. To you, it’s a total failure that robs you of all motivation to go on. During that period of worthlessness after your evil act, it’s a chore to pick up your feet; it’s painful to wake each morning; there is no sign of light anywhere, no sign of anything getting any better. You see in black and white. What sun? It looks like a dreadful day to you. This is not a life anyone would want to live. It’s a life you would end if it was always like that. But it’s NOT. It’s part of a cycle; the cycle that’s keeping you alive, yet killing you at the same time. You need to punish yourself for the terrible thing you did. You want to hurt yourself, you want to fast for days on end... what’s stopping you? Nothing is at first. At first you are determined and self-disciplined. You start to feel better; you start to feel like you’ve made up for what you’ve done. You feel that fake happiness again- you made the disorder happy. That voice inside your head that had its arms around your neck a few days ago has let go, and it applauding you. It’s pleased because you obeyed it. But then… you slip up. You did it again. You worthless piece of trash you! Why didn’t you stop yourself? You are an embarrassment, you always screw things up. Now you need to punish yourself. Why’d you do it in the first place? Why did you eat?"
I still feel the things described in the paragraph above, but on a smaller scale. When I read things I wrote a while ago, it makes me reflect on how much I have overcome and how far I've traveled on the road to recovery. I'd definitely recommend documenting your journey to wellness, or even just writing little notes and tidbits of information about what you're going through at the moment. It'll help you realize in the future that things do get better, and that that isn't just some cheesy saying.

The other day I decided to write a poem about some things going through my mind at this point in my life. I may forget everything I'm thinking right now a few months down the road, or maybe these thoughts will become plans and these plans will become actions and these actions will become my personal revolution. But for now, they are just words on a piece of notebook paper from directly out of my crazy whirlpool of a brain. ;)
Here is the poem I wrote yesterday.

"Living out LOUD"

~
I want to soar like a falcon,
Travel round the world,
Explore every city,
Be confident and bold.

I want to dance in the storms,
Smile at the sun,
Live each day as my last,
My only goal ’d be having fun.

I want to believe in my power
To inspire and make a change,
The society is ugly,
With just ourselves to blame.

I want to prove them all wrong,
So I’ll do what I believe,
Because I play to my own song,
And I believe in me. ~

What a huge emotional shift from that grim dispiriting paragraph! I'm pretty proud at how far I've come, and I know God is smiling down at me.

I AM FREE!

Through You, the darkness flees
Through You, my heart screams
I am free
Yes, I am free!

 

I am free to run, I am free to dance

I am free to live for You
I am free!

 

As I stood in church this morning and sang this song, something inside me clicked. I closed my eyes and blocked out all of my surroundings, and I rejoiced in the Lord's presence. I sang straight to him with all of my heart, and when the song was over I repeated in my head the words "I am free, I am free", hoping that God would hear me and help me to believe it.

This morning, I am proud to say I began to believe it.

I have been holding myself back for so long, afraid to try new things and too anxious to step out of my comfort zone. My eating disorder has made me feel like I am wrapped in chains, and they are pulled tighter and tighter when I try to break free. I wanted to escape from the pain, and I prayed over and over to God that I was sick and tired of feeling this way and I just wanted it all to end. But I didn't have faith in the fact that he had things under control, that I was going to be okay, and that there would be a happy ending. Those don't only exist in movies, you know, but I couldn't imagine that I myself, Leanne Renee, would ever have a happy ending.

This morning, I am proud to say I began to believe it.

By accepting the Lord into my heart and letting him take the wheel, I've already been redeemed. Christ broke straight through the chains and lifted me up, exclaiming that I was free to run and free to dance and free to live for him.

What does that actually mean?

It means that I am essentially free to do whatever I want as long as I do it in God's favor. What does God want me to do, that I am now free to do?

RECOVER.
I can recover, I can withdraw myself from my sinful addictions and desires, I can hang out with friends like I've been too afraid to do, I can go out to dinner with my family, I can chase my dreams and conquer my fears, because I AM FREE to do those things! Nothing will hold me back any longer.

Nothing.

This morning, I am proud to say I began to believe that.

This is my life, not my eating disorder's life. I'm kicking that piece of nothing to the curb and I'll be the driver from now- wait, no. I'll be the passenger, because the driver's seat is already taken. ;) But now I'll have all the room in the world without that pesky ED sitting on top of me.

 

Through Him, the darkness flees
Through Him, my heart screams
YOU are free
Yes, YOU are free!

 

YOU are free to run, YOU are free to dance

YOU are free to live for Him

YOU are free!