Currently (March 2014)

There was once a wonderful girl named Jules. She once made a wonderful blog at lordstilllovesme.wordpress.com. She put up a post titled "Currently" a few days ago, and I decided to steal this fantastic and excellent idea.
Okay, not steal, borrow. Or pilfer. Purloin. Filch.
Yes, yes I did just google "synonyms for steal".

Current Song: "Write Your Story" by Francesca Battistelli is my absolute favorite song at the moment. Literally, I'm obsessed. I put it on shuffle and just listen to it on the bus, while I'm walking, while I journal, ALL THE TIME. The words are beautiful, and the message behind the song is just really awesome. Go listen NOW!!!

Current TV Series: I wish I was one of those people who had a different show to look forward to every day of the week, but I only watch two shows and they're both on Tuesdays. Bummer. To make things more depressing, I'm not super crazy about either of them. I could never watch them again and wouldn't care all that much. But hey, you need at least one designated TV night to get through the week, right?
My favorite show is Degrassi. It's probably been on since I was born, which explains why they're on like season 6392836. Okay, maybe it hasn't been on that long, but it sure seems like it. It's still good and full of juicy drama and distinct characters, just like high school actually is.
The other show I enjoy is a very popular in-depth series, Pretty Little Liars. I watched this a few years ago and was instantly hooked. Then I missed a couple weeks and had no idea what was happening, so I just stopped watching it all together. Well, a few weeks ago I discovered it was on right before Degrassi so I gave it another shot. I'm glad I did, it's just as sophisticated and exhilarating as I remember!

Current Pastime: Scrapbooking. I traveled Europe for two weeks this past summer, and snapped over 700 pictures. I would've taken even more if my camera hadn't broken (2 days before we left) in Rome during a totally unforeseen hail storm followed by torrential rain. Where in the world does it hail in 90 degree weather? Rome Italy, my friends.
Anywhozzle, my mom and I are hardcore scrapbookers. No, seriously, it's like a sport to us. It takes us like an hour per page. Each detail has to be perfect. There's what, 5 pictures a page MAYBE? 700 divided by 5 is 140 (I admit I had to use google to calculate that. Google is really coming in handy today!). That's 140 hours, and I'm pretty sure I've already exceeded that and I'm only on day 8 of the trip. Haha, at least it keeps me busy. Distractions. Distractions are good.

Current Obsession: Music. I've been listening to it almost 24/7. Right when I wake up in the morning, I turn on the radio-before I turn on the lights, before I do that huge relieving morning body stretch, sometimes even before I open my eyes. I play it on my way to school, my way home, whenever I'm in my room, in the shower, while I sleep-okay, you get the point. I love my jams. I'm a sucker for alternative and Christian rock. I'm finally outgrowing teen pop music (I don't know if you realize how big of a milestone that is).

Current Triumph: Well this one is super easy to think about. Right now, I'm finished off my 10th DAY PURGE FREE!!!!! Yes, almost a week and a half without purging. That is something I have never been able to say before. It's a personal record and I am damn proud of myself. I feel like crap because I used to use that addiction to cope with everything, and now it's all bottled up inside. I'm finding new ways to cope though. I gave purging up for lent, and I will never break the promise I made to God for these 45 days no matter what comes up. It's going to be longer than 45 days too, because after lent is over I will not give up. I will not give in.

Current Drink: Oh gosh. My mouth is watering just thinking about my answer to this one.
Three words: Apple Cinnamon tea.
OH yes. A huge mug of steaming hot apple cinnamon tea with stevia and a splash of Walden Farms maple syrup. Usually several mugs.
Absolute perfection.

Current Food: Mangos. Mangoes? However it's spelled, that doesn't change the fact that they are the most magical scrumptious mouthwatering tropical fruits on the planet. Notice I said "tropical" fruit, because melons will still be my number one fruit. If there was a fire in my house, the first things I would save are my melons.
Okay, maybe I'd save my pets first. But melons, you're second. I will never forsake you.
Wait we were talking about mangos initially right? Ah, yes. They're pretty fabulous as well.

Current Blessing: We have had beautiful weather the last two days! It has been 60 degrees outside, and the snow is almost all melted. Spring is just around the corner! I sat on my backyard patio the other day enjoying a mango (hehe) and listening to the melodious birds sing. Nature is God's greatest gift, and is so taken for granted nowadays. Most people would rather sit inside and watch TV or plant themselves in front of a computer than take their dog for a walk or just sit outside in the sun and enjoy the fresh air. I will never understand that.

Current Good Habit: I have been remembering to read my devotions every single day out of my "Jesus Calling" devotional. The book is written as if God is speaking directly to you, and I feel a wave of his presence the moment I open up the book. I would definitely recommend buying the book. You don't even have to read it everyday, but whenever you want to be reassured that God has his loving arms wrapped around you.

Current Bad Habit: This is more of a consistent bad habit rather than a current one, but biting my nails and fingers would without doubt be one of my worst habits. I suppose I'm noticing it more now because my hands are so dry from the cold weather, and I just find myself doing it whenever I'm not busying my hands with something else. I gotta stop that. I could do without weird looks from people during class, hahaha.

Current Excitement: The thing I'm super excited for right now is the Springtime and all the beautiful things God brings with it! I'm exciting to take my turtle out of his tank and let him explore the outdoors, I'm excited to get out on my bike and train for my 35 mile ride to cure diabetes in June, I'm excited to finally run outdoors again and enjoy every beautiful thing nature has to offer, and I'm exciting to grow my own fruits and vegetables in our garden. My friend and I are both going to plant apple trees and see which one grows faster! I could go on and on with reasons why I love and can't wait for Spring, but I think you get the idea!

 

What do you love about Spring? Leave a comment!

Current Mood: Right now I'm feeling pretty negative because of a bad body image day. I blocked out the voices and ate anyway, but honestly now I just feel worse. I'm hoping tomorrow is a better day! I'm going over my mentor's (from my church) house to play guitar and jam to Christian rock music! Oh that's another excitement- I'm getting my own guitar in a few weeks!

Current Hair: My hair is currently a shade of auburn. It was originally red-brown-purple when I dyed it a little over two months ago, and I absolutely adored it. Color never seems to stay in my hair though, so it's faded a lot since then, but it's still way darker than my original hair color. I'm re-dying it next weekend, and I haven't decided on a color yet! Suggestions would be awesome :)

 

This took me over two hours, I don't even know how or why. I had fun with it though! Have a lovely week everyone!

Benefits from Theatre

Back in November, I was cast in my school play, an original called Lost and Found. It's about a group of first graders (played by 7th & 8th graders, my school is from grades 7-9, me being in 9th)  who lose their imaginary friends and journey to find them. I play an elf, one of the imaginary friends. I'm also part of the select group of singers called "Lost & Found Singers".

I've done the play in 7th grade, but not last year. If you read the post about my story, you'll see that 8th grade was a really dark time for me, and there's no way I had the confidence or energy to stand on stage in front of 1500 people singing and dancing and acting my heart out. This year, I found the confidence. 

I've gone to every rehersal. No excuses, no skipping, no quitting. I've put my everything into my part, and it has really payed off. I'm psyched for the performances next week. I've even invited my aunt and uncle, and my youth group leaders who are very close to me, to come see how hard I've worked.

Another thing? I can change into my costumes in the dressing room around everyone else because I'm less insecure, and I don't feel judged. I was insecure before, not just because of my weight, but because of the scars on my shoulders and thighs. Now, I've realized that I should have to hide my body. It's MY body. If someone decides to judge my imperfections, I should feel bad for them. They don't know the true meaning of beauty. They don't understand that what you look like does not EVER define who you are.

Another thing that theatre has helped me with is my social anxiety. I've met so many wonderful friendly people, and everyone is nice to everyone. I even met a guy that I have my eye on ;) Because of all the practices and rehersals, I'm around people alot more often. Being busier also leaves less time when I come home to get into trouble, if you know what I mean- binging and purging, since that's usually the result of my boredom.

Stepping out of your comfort zone is scary, but the reward is well worth it.


PS. If you would be interested in me posting recipes on my blog, please comment! I'd love your suggestions and ideas :)

From Wars to Dreams

I discovered a few old files on my computer at school today.
One of them specifically caught my eye, and it's a paragraph I wrote about 6 months ago in September. It perfectly portrays the rollercoaster that constantly goes on inside my head, although now that I look back and read what I wrote, I realize that I'm not as deeply trapped inside my mind of corrosive thoughts as I was before.
I titled the paragraph "The War Within Me":

"Whenever you think it’s over, it’s not. Whenever you think you’re happy, you’re not. You’re never truly happy. That feeling is a result of listening to what the evil voice in your head tells you to do. You feel accomplished, like you’ve finally done something right; when in reality, you’ve hurt yourself further. You’ve fallen deeper, into this trap of a disorder; into this cycle of slow suicide. You’re breaking. But you can’t do anything about it; you’re not in control anymore. When you do something the disorder doesn’t approve of, you not only hate what you did, but you hate yourself. You hate your life. You want to end everything, you want to give up. To you, it’s a total failure that robs you of all motivation to go on. During that period of worthlessness after your evil act, it’s a chore to pick up your feet; it’s painful to wake each morning; there is no sign of light anywhere, no sign of anything getting any better. You see in black and white. What sun? It looks like a dreadful day to you. This is not a life anyone would want to live. It’s a life you would end if it was always like that. But it’s NOT. It’s part of a cycle; the cycle that’s keeping you alive, yet killing you at the same time. You need to punish yourself for the terrible thing you did. You want to hurt yourself, you want to fast for days on end... what’s stopping you? Nothing is at first. At first you are determined and self-disciplined. You start to feel better; you start to feel like you’ve made up for what you’ve done. You feel that fake happiness again- you made the disorder happy. That voice inside your head that had its arms around your neck a few days ago has let go, and it applauding you. It’s pleased because you obeyed it. But then… you slip up. You did it again. You worthless piece of trash you! Why didn’t you stop yourself? You are an embarrassment, you always screw things up. Now you need to punish yourself. Why’d you do it in the first place? Why did you eat?"
I still feel the things described in the paragraph above, but on a smaller scale. When I read things I wrote a while ago, it makes me reflect on how much I have overcome and how far I've traveled on the road to recovery. I'd definitely recommend documenting your journey to wellness, or even just writing little notes and tidbits of information about what you're going through at the moment. It'll help you realize in the future that things do get better, and that that isn't just some cheesy saying.

The other day I decided to write a poem about some things going through my mind at this point in my life. I may forget everything I'm thinking right now a few months down the road, or maybe these thoughts will become plans and these plans will become actions and these actions will become my personal revolution. But for now, they are just words on a piece of notebook paper from directly out of my crazy whirlpool of a brain. ;)
Here is the poem I wrote yesterday.

"Living out LOUD"

~
I want to soar like a falcon,
Travel round the world,
Explore every city,
Be confident and bold.

I want to dance in the storms,
Smile at the sun,
Live each day as my last,
My only goal ’d be having fun.

I want to believe in my power
To inspire and make a change,
The society is ugly,
With just ourselves to blame.

I want to prove them all wrong,
So I’ll do what I believe,
Because I play to my own song,
And I believe in me. ~

What a huge emotional shift from that grim dispiriting paragraph! I'm pretty proud at how far I've come, and I know God is smiling down at me.

I AM FREE!

Through You, the darkness flees
Through You, my heart screams
I am free
Yes, I am free!

 

I am free to run, I am free to dance

I am free to live for You
I am free!

 

As I stood in church this morning and sang this song, something inside me clicked. I closed my eyes and blocked out all of my surroundings, and I rejoiced in the Lord's presence. I sang straight to him with all of my heart, and when the song was over I repeated in my head the words "I am free, I am free", hoping that God would hear me and help me to believe it.

This morning, I am proud to say I began to believe it.

I have been holding myself back for so long, afraid to try new things and too anxious to step out of my comfort zone. My eating disorder has made me feel like I am wrapped in chains, and they are pulled tighter and tighter when I try to break free. I wanted to escape from the pain, and I prayed over and over to God that I was sick and tired of feeling this way and I just wanted it all to end. But I didn't have faith in the fact that he had things under control, that I was going to be okay, and that there would be a happy ending. Those don't only exist in movies, you know, but I couldn't imagine that I myself, Leanne Renee, would ever have a happy ending.

This morning, I am proud to say I began to believe it.

By accepting the Lord into my heart and letting him take the wheel, I've already been redeemed. Christ broke straight through the chains and lifted me up, exclaiming that I was free to run and free to dance and free to live for him.

What does that actually mean?

It means that I am essentially free to do whatever I want as long as I do it in God's favor. What does God want me to do, that I am now free to do?

RECOVER.
I can recover, I can withdraw myself from my sinful addictions and desires, I can hang out with friends like I've been too afraid to do, I can go out to dinner with my family, I can chase my dreams and conquer my fears, because I AM FREE to do those things! Nothing will hold me back any longer.

Nothing.

This morning, I am proud to say I began to believe that.

This is my life, not my eating disorder's life. I'm kicking that piece of nothing to the curb and I'll be the driver from now- wait, no. I'll be the passenger, because the driver's seat is already taken. ;) But now I'll have all the room in the world without that pesky ED sitting on top of me.

 

Through Him, the darkness flees
Through Him, my heart screams
YOU are free
Yes, YOU are free!

 

YOU are free to run, YOU are free to dance

YOU are free to live for Him

YOU are free!

 

Where It All Began

My name is Leanne.

I'm new to this whole blog thing, so bare with me. :)
The reason I decided to start this blog was because my thoughts were getting tangled up inside my head, as so many things are happening in my life. Trying to recover, maintain a good relationship with Christ, keep up on school work, plan my future, star in my school musical, work on the Disciple Management Team (DMT) of my church, convince my parents to accept my vegan lifestyle- Phew, let me take a breath. That's not even half the list. I'm in a time of my life where things are changing and I'm beginning to take on some adult responsibilities, although I am only 14 (for the record, I'll be 15 in July;) Struggling with an eating disorder for the past three and a half years has really opened my eyes to the harsh reality of life- it isn't all rainbows and butterflies. Some people have to deal with that reality much later in their teenage years, but unfortunately I got an early start. Hey, I'm not complaining though. God obviously wanted me to go through some very traumatic experiences for one reason or another. Maybe I don't know exactly why these things have happened, but I will find out the reason somewhere down the road.
What "things" are you referring to, Leanne?

As I said earlier in this post, I've dealt with an eating disorder since I was 11 years old in the 6th grade. It all began when they weighed us in gym class at the beginning of the year.
The scale read 121.
1 2 1.
I could've cried right then and there, but I held back the tears until I was alone in my room that evening. I decided I wanted to lose a couple of pounds. I made an innocent plan to jog in place a few minutes a day, do sit-ups and crunches before I went to bed every night, and limit myself to one snack after school. I wanted to fit in better and be able to wear all the pretty clothes that the girls in my class wore. I wanted to be able to change in the gym locker room in front of everyone rather than stay cooped up in the bathroom stall because I was terrified of anyone seeing my repulsive body.
An 11 year old shouldn't have to feel like that.
I had a doctors appointment at the end of that month and found out I had shot up almost a whole inch, and lost four pounds. I was ecstatic. I told my mom, and she said that was great. And it was, because I was slightly overweight at 120 pounds.
But I didn't stop there.
I met a friend in 6th grade who was new to the school. Her name was Emily. Emily and I became closer than I have ever been to someone even to this day. We spent every second together. We had sleepovers every weekend, and she came over my house several times a week. We went to dances all the time at catholic schools in the area that we were way too young for, but our parents didn't know what kids really did there. We wore revealing clothes and danced with guys we had never met prior to that night. I felt really self conscious wearing tiny shorts that hardly covered my butt, and crop tops that showed some of my stomach. Emily, on the other hand, appeared to have all the confidence in the world, and I was jealous.
One day, Emily told me she wanted to lose weight. Remember I was trying to lose weight too at the time, so of course I thought it would be so cool to have my friend do it with me. "Let's be weight loss buddies!" I suggested to her. She happily agreed, and for the rest of the 6th grade we would restrict our lunches together, count our calories, and give each other 'diet tips'.
Emily moved away at the end of the 6th grade, and we've only met up once since (at another dance-shhh! ;)

By the end of my 7th grade year, I had lost 30 pounds and grew 2 more inches. I was now borderline underweight, and you could see it in my sunken cheeks and protruding collar bones. I was excessively exercising, and counted every calorie I consumed. My mom took me to the doctors, who told me I had an eating disorder. My parents told me I had to gain weight, because I did not look well. The word "anorexia" came up in every conversation we had.
That summer, I did gain.
But not necessarily because they told me to, but because that summer I developed a new disorder that would send me in a deteriorating downward spiral for years to come.
Binge eating disorder.
By the end of the summer and the start of 8th grade, I was back up to 120. I had gained 30 pounds in 3 months. I had also began cutting myself, and it became an almost everyday thing. However, the cuts were not too deep, yet.

8th Grade
This was hands-down the worst year of my life thus far.
I gained another 10 pounds by November from binging. I ate when I was bored, I ate when I was lonely, I ate when I was happy, I ate when I was sad. I carved the word "FAT" into my right thigh, and to this day the scar is shockingly noticeable.
Then something weird happened.
I started to lose weight without trying. I was still binging almost everyday, mostly on carbs and sugary junk. My favorite things to binge on were cereal, peanut butter, and salty snacks like pretzels and tortilla chips. Despite the binging, the scale continued to drop as days went by. I loved it. Along with the weight loss, I was getting bad stomach aches that worsened from the moderate ones I got throughout 7th grade. I also noticed something else- I was extremely thirsty. I would come home from school and drink 5 bottles of water nonstop, binge, and then inhale 5 more whole bottles of water. One day I calculated how many cups of water I had guzzled down and it came out to 35 cups. I knew this was not normal. I went to the doctors for my stomach aches, and decided to mention my excessive thirst while I was there. They did a urine sample and a blood test, then I went straight to my friend's birthday sleepover party. I had no idea what unfortunate events the next day would bring.
10:00 am on December 22nd, 2012- The phone rang. I was in my room writing in my journal when my mom came in.
"You are one sick child," she said in her soft motherly voice. One look at her and I knew something was seriously wrong. I dropped my journal and walked over to her. She hugged me tightly and said "I love you." That's when I burst into tears.
I spent in the next 3 days in the hospital, being poked and stabbed and questioned and hooked up to a painful IV. It would have been 4 days, but I pretty much demanded to be released before Christmas Day. It may have been the longest 3 days of my life.
I had been diagnosed with Type One Diabetes. No, not the kind your grandmother has. Not the kind your dad has to take a pill and lose weight for. The kind that is unexplainable, unpreventable, and incurable. It will never go away. If I hadn't have gone to the doctors that day for my stomach aches, I would have died suddenly within the next couple of months.
This was all so new to me. Learning to give myself injections every time I eat or drink something, pricking my finger ten times a day, learning how to treat high and low blood sugars, and so on.
I took the diagnosis well initially, and thankfully I'm not someone who is terrified with needles.
Then I discovered something.
I was gaining weight, and lots of it.
Nobody had told me that insulin = weight gain.
I gained 15 pounds in the first two weeks home from the hospital. I was at my highest weight ever, actually being launched into the overweight category, and I was extremely depressed.

I would rather not revisit that time in my life, between the end of December 2012 and the beginning of the summer of 2013. I cannot imagine getting to a lower point than I was. I was diagnosed with moderate depression, but I think it was severe. I felt like I was already dead, despite my beating heart. I missed about 15 days of school that half of the year, seen four therapists and countless doctors, and nobody could help me. The only release was slicing my skin with a sharp razor, and literally watching all of my pain spill out. The scars I inflicted upon myself may be the number one thing I regret, as they are still very visible today and continue to hold me back from many opportunities and social events. I almost fainted more times than I can recall, once being successful, and some of my wounds continued bleeding after several days.
Why would I do that to myself?
I don't know.
No, honestly, I DONT know what led me to hurt myself. It just made me feel better, and I thought I deserved it. I was not worthy enough to have pure, unsoiled skin.
I can proudly say that today, February 5th 2014, I am 129 days clean. *does happy dance*
But my eating disorder is another story.

The first time I purged was April 11th, 2013. I have not led anything close to a normal life since then. I began to purge everything I ate...then it became binging and purging. I developed bulimia, which is what I struggle with today. My doctors and my parents don't help me with it, they make it worse with terrifying monthly weigh-ins and check-ups, threats like "if you don't stop losing weight we will do this...we will send you here..." and the latest threat to my parents, "If you don't put her into treatment, the hospital will report you for child neglect."
Ha.
I'm just going to laugh until that happens. NO threat, no one, and no thing will stop me from getting to the weight I want and engaging in whatever eating habits I want. If you had/have an eating disorder, you completely understand where I'm coming from.

This story is going all over the place, so I am going to wrap it up by telling you where I am today.

I'm off insulin due to a combination of the lack of carbs and the "honeymoon period," which is when my pancreas is still producing enough insulin to keep my blood sugars stable, but it will start to produce less and less and eventually I will be fully dependent on injections. The doctors estimate this will start to happen by this summer.

Since the first time I purged almost a year ago, the longest streak I've gone without purging is one week. It's an everyday battle, but I'm currently in recovery, which is a choice I made/was forced into over the summer in ongoing outpatient treatment. My heart is still not 100% in recovery, and I'm still purging quite often, and restricting when I'm not binging. So basically, I haven't moved very far in recovery, but I have made some progress which is good enough for me and my parents. We have hope that I will one day overcome this, just like I overcame self harm.

My weight is much lower than my high weight, but certainly in the healthy range. I'm still losing at a slow rate... once again, it is a constant battle between me and the evil voice inside my head.

My depression is very much improved, and I contribute that to the decision of starting a mostly raw vegan plant-based lifestyle. :)

I left a lot of detail and traumatic events out of this that I frankly never want to think about again, and I don't think they would do anything but upset anyone who reads this as well. I also left out some illegal things I would prefer not to be arrested for, but you may ask me about them if you are that curious, haha.
I'm going to make blog posts whenever I feel like, which will most likely be a few times a week. I want to redefine Leanne. I don't want to dwell on the past, I don't want to hate or hurt myself anymore. I will move on. I will get better. I will recover.