Christmas: Then and Now

Merry Christmas all!

Okay, well if you want to get all technical, it's Christmas Eve.

WAIT JUST KIDDING IT'S OFFICIALLY 12AM CHRISTMAS MORNING.

I better go to sleep soon because Santa won't come down my chimney if I'm awake! (I used to be afraid that would happen, so I'd try as hard as possible to go to bed super early).
Along that same subject, there are a lot of things we did at Christmas as kids that we no longer do and are no longer excited for. The thing I'm most excited for anymore is the Christmas music, which I started listening to in November of course. I was more in the Christmas spirit on November 1st than I am now! The Christmas spirit just isn't with me this year. Maybe it's because I'm not spending as much time with God as I have years before, or my eating disorder is more consuming than it was, or maybe just because I'm depressed and nothing can dig me out of this deep sea of misery. I yearn to be a child again, to have childlike faith and accept things for what they are. I want to believe in Santa again, and have that same surge of excitement when I wake up on Christmas morning. I want a lot of things I cannot have.

I'm going to write a description of my previous Christmases (wow, spelling check tells me that is a real word!) and my Christmases as of five years ago when my eating disorder started to eat me alive (apparently I taste good because he hasn't spit me out yet).

Christmas from 1999 to 2009: I would write a never-ending list to Santa of things I wanted, but didn't need. I'd watch TV and sit there with a white piece of paper and some markers, jotting down all the cool toys I saw on the commercials.
I would come home from school to my mom baking deliciously smelling cookies and cakes, and I'd always ask to lick the bowl. My brother and I took turns, but eventually he stopped wanting to do it so I got to lick the bowl every time.
I would be on my best behavior and try to get along with my brother, just in case Santa may have been watching.
I would wake up on Christmas Eve and spring out of bed as if it was the next morning already. I couldn't waaaaaait for Christmas morning.
I would wait by the door at night in my pajamas after the Christmas Eve church service for Santa to come by on the fire truck and occasionally throw some candy, or come off to give me a hug when I was really little.
I would fill a plate with carrots and cookies, and pour a glass of milk right to the rim so that Santa would surely have enough to eat and drink and deliver presents to the rest of the world (because it's totally possible to go to every house on the entire planet in 24 hours, and stop to eat several billion cookies and glasses of milk without dying)
I would toss and turn for hours before falling asleep, and wake up several times during the night. There was a level of excitement ready to burst out of me that I could only experience during that one night of the year.
I would wake my brother up at 4, 5, or 6am and we'd sprint down the stairs and to the family room to check under the tree, where a huge pile of gifts always spilled out on the couch and floor. Then, we would proceed to run back up the stairs and bombard our parents room yelling "SANTA CAME TO OUR HOUSE!!! SANTA WAS HERE!! COME DOWN AND SEE!!"
I would shake my gifts and wonder what was inside. I would count them and compare the amount to my brothers, and then compare my stocking's size to my brothers.
I would anxiously await my turn as we went in a circle and opened one gift at a time. As soon as I unwrapped a gift, I'd give it to my daddy to rip open the packaging with his handy-dandy pocket knife so I could play with it right away.
I would love opening my stocking the best because of all of the candy that was inside.
I would eat chocolate almond Hershey kisses, cookies'n crème Santas, and jolly rancher candy canes for breakfast and have zero guilt, because I didn't know it was possible for someone to feel guilty for eating.
I would spend the rest of my day playing with all of my new toys and enjoying sweets and cookies and leftovers from our holiday gatherings.

Christmas from 2010-2014+ : I write a short list to my mother of items you can't possibly put under a tree. (guitar lessons, nose piercing, hardwood flooring in room, study abroad in Germany)
I come home from school to an empty house, where I find the perfect opportunity to binge/purge on all the lovely holiday food we have this time of year.
I behave no differently than usual. Smoking, purging, sneaking out, abusing diet pills and laxatives, stealing from stores, lying constantly.
I wake up on Christmas Eve forgetting what day it is, and not caring what day it is.
Does Santa still come around on a fire truck? Huh.
I would never waste my carrots (safe food, 35 calories for 3 oz.) and cookies (to binge/purge on) on some imaginary magical flying fat man with an overgrown beard. And I don't believe in hurting cows for dairy milk.
I can't wait to go to sleep, because I'm a teenager and teenagers love their sleep and tonight is no exception. The only excitement in me is the excitement to wake up and weigh myself to see if I lost, gained, or maintained, and text my bae Vic the verdict.
I'll wake up whenever the hell I wake up, whether it be 8am or noon. I'll weigh myself, go back to my room, realize that it's Christmas morning, and hide until my mother comes and tells me everyone is ready to open gifts. She says "Santa came to our house! Santa was here! Come down and see!"
I'll get my coffee and sit by my generous pile of gifts, grumpy and miserable, and patiently wait for my turn to open one.
I'll try to be as grateful as possible, although I'm deeply saddened by the fact that my mother went out of her way to get anything for me despite the fact that I put her through hell everyday and deserve nothing but animosity.
I still love opening my stocking the best, but rather than because of the candy, because of the giftcards and gum.
I drink my coffee for breakfast and avoid food for as much of the day as I can until binge/purge cravings kick in, at which point I'll devour the entire kitchen in one bite and then proceed to rip out my esophagus over the toilet.
I'll spend the rest of the day crying, body checking, purging, on the toilet because of laxatives, and deny everything when we visit family and they comment on my food choices and appearance.

As you can see, Christmas has changed quite a bit for me over the years. I'm sure anyone who struggles with an eating disorder can identify as well. Eating disorders are the opposite of glamorous. They're the opposite of beautiful. They're the opposite of bliss. They are malicious. They are hideous. They are lying, manipulating, enticing dark shadows that pull you closer and cast themselves over you until you are completely and utterly consumed by their wickedness. They are death; death of your happiness, your spirit, your soul, your hope, your smiles, your heart, your mind, your life.

If you have an eating disorder casting its dark shadow over you this holiday season, I pray that you will find the strength and willingness to push it off. Have a very merry Christmas, everyone :)

My Instagram Makeover

If you follow my Instagram, formally named leannesstory, you may realize I made some pretty drastic changes! For the better or for the worse is your opinion, but I think it was best for me.

I changed the name to runningonroses. There are a few symbolisms of this name.

 

• There's a saying, "running on empty", that means you haven't eaten anything and you are simply living off whatever energy is left in your body. "Running on roses" has the same idea. Instead of fueling and taking care of my body, providing it with food for energy, I'm thriving off my desire to be beautiful, to be perfect, like a rose. Delicate and fragile, a symbol of love and beauty.

• There's a flip side of the meaning I just explained. When choosing this username, I pictured myself running through a field of only roses covering the ground, my feet ripping their petals apart and smashing them into the earth, to die and shrivel up as I destroyed each and every rose under my pounding feet. I compare myself to the roses, once innocent and beautiful, and now being crushed by the pressure that's being pressed upon them. I also compare myself to the person who is running over the roses; I'm destructing my own happiness and purity, yet nothing stops me and I keep on running.

As you can see, I put lots of thought and depth into the choice of this new username and I feel it sums up my current situation and state of mind.
Other than the username, I made a few other changes. My bio used to have information about me and at one point the quote "my body is tired and I'm tired of my body" but recently I changed the quote to "It takes billions of years  to create a human, and only seconds to die." I matched my current bio with my online best friend, Vic, or "fadedescape" as she is known on Instagram. Our parallel bios read:

" the artist in you creates
while the critic in you destroys.

15 - ed - vegan - my journal"

All of our pictures will have white borders on the sides, a faded color saturation, and the date in the caption. Keeping my posts simple and orderly like that will help me to not obsess over every detail of my posts like I had previously. I'll post what and when I feel like with raw and real captions and snapshots of my life.
I have deleted all 689 posts from the last two years. That was pretty difficult to do and honestly made me sad. But, it had to be done. I wanted to start fresh and stop holding onto the past and wishing I looked like this again or crying because I actually looked like that.
I'm no longer in recovery in the slightest. I've unfollowed many recovery accounts, going from following 600 people to less than 400. This way I can provide the support that they deserve and connect with people on a more personal level. I was also annoyed, to be completely honest, by my feed being overthrown by the recovery accounts. All I saw was one food picture after another, people dissing other people who were even remotely thin, and people faking their happiness just so they could be seen as an inspiration to others. I didn't want my account to be like that anymore, and I didn't want to follow the accounts that were like that.
DISCLAIMER: I'm not saying that all recovery accounts are like this or faking their triumphs, but there are many I've spoken to and many I suspect.

ANYWAYS, I pray that I will receive the same love and support I did before no matter how I choose to live my life. I'm going to try and reach out to more people than I have in the past. It's only fair that I help the people who have helped me, and give support to those who share common struggles. :)

I love each and every one of my followers and the friends I've made from Instagram. You mean more to me than COFFEE does and ohhhh boy, that's saying something! If you ever want to talk on the phone or videochat, let me know!!

Currently (October 2014)

Hallo Freunde!!

First news- I'm hosting an exchange student at my house from Aalen, Germany! Her name is Zoe, and she'll be staying with me for two weeks. Some days she'll go to school and accompany me to all my classes, and other days we're going on field trips to places all over Pennsylvania. So far we went shopping, to malls, a fall festival, the movies, mini golfing, bowling, to restaurants, and Peddler's Village. We also took a walk around my neighborhood then to the park, and today she went to school with me. Apparently her school is very different than it is here, so that was a great experience for her. And apparently, my German teacher actually sucks at speaking German.

Here are some pictures of things we did and places we went together so far.

Sweet 16 Party

Hayride on a farm to a pick pumpkins

I got so many scenic pictures on the mini golf course!

Mini Golfing

Tried many American foods including this homemade vegetable soup that my mom and I made together, accompanied by old fashioned grilled cheese.

 

Shopping in Peddler's Village and stopping at a cute little café

 

Admiring the waterfalls at mini-golf that ate all of our golf balls

 

So I'll update you guys on my life! CURRENTLY. . . . . .

Current Song: Honestly, I haven't been listening to much music lately. The radio station K-Love that I usually have playing in the background of my life is doing their bi-annual pledge drive. Basically they beg for money for two weeks, so I just turn off the radio until it's over. When I'm older I do want to give money to the station, though, because I love their message and I don't know what I'd do without the uplifting music! Anyway, if I had to pick a song to be my current favorite, I'd say Little Wonders by Rob Thomas. It's such a pretty song with a positive message that makes me want to appreciate the little wonders in our everyday lives.

Current TV Show: I just finished all three seasons of Melissa and Joey that are available on Netflix and HOLY COW were they amazing! I can't even wait for the fourth season starting at the end of this month! Their Halloween special is coming up in a few short weeks, too. Seriously, M & J is worthy of being the longest running show on television because it is that good. I can relate to the family and all the characters and identify myself in each one of them.  GO WATCH IT!

 

 

Current Food: This is what me and my friends Sarah and Vic call "Green Heaven". I take all credit for creating it :) All it has in it is romaine lettuce, cooked broccoli, any other green veggies such as celery or cucumber, lemon juice, and salt and garlic powder. Mix it all up really well and it is SO good!! UNBELIEVEABLY DELICIOUS for so little calories! I have it several times a week or whenever I feel a binge kicking it, this satisfies my cravings. Give it a try, even if you aren't fond of one or two of the ingredients.

Current Drink: This would definitely have to be something I discovered at Target the other day while moseying around looking for new foods and drinks. It's a sugar free chai spice latte that comes cold in a box, and all you have to do is pour some in a mug, add milk (I use soy), and heat it up. It tastes best with some cinnamon or sprinkled in, or pumpkin pie spice. It warms up your whole body and the only calories are from the milk, which means for the soy milk I add it's only 30 calories! YUMMMMM!!!!

Another drink I loveeeeee lately is pumpkin spice coffee. Any kind, from anywhere. As long as it's got that pumpkin spice I'm all for it!

 

Current Blessing: I definitely consider the opportunity to host a German exchange student a blessing. We are having such a great time together and exposing each other to the other one's culture. I'm so thankful that my parents agreed to do this and are treating her so well and making her feel welcome. Hearing about Zoe's life in Germany makes me realize how fortunate I am, and the way she marvels at everything she sees makes me so grateful for what I have here in America! I really do live in a well-rounded, safe, and nice place compared to many other parts of the world. THANK YOU GOD!

 

The picture above is from the Sweet 16 party I'll mention again below. She's the blonde next to me, in the middle.

Current Triumph: I am struggling with eating enough, and my bulimia is slowly developing into a more restrictive type of disorder.. or maybe it's not, I don't know. I'm still huge. I am at my lowest weight in two years AKA my goal weight #1, but don't worry- that's not the triumph. My triumph is that I have only purged two times in the past 10 days! Normally I would purge at least twice a day, so this is a huge improvement in a short amount of time. WOOHOO, GO ME! *pats self on back* I have only binged once in that time frame as well, and I have been maintaining my vegan diet.

Current Outfit: I am pretty terrified of fitting rooms, malls, and clothes in general. There have been too many triggering events in my past caused by shopping, not fitting into clothes, finding out I've gone up a size, not going to social events or even school because I have nothing 'acceptable' to wear... the list goes on and on. Clothes are just a scary thing! If you can identify with that statement, I'm sure you can relate to the feeling you get when you find something you actually love. Well, the other day shopping with Zoe, I found a dress I LOVED for a Sweet 16 party we were invited to this past Sunday (yes, it was an amazing time!).

 

 

Current Transformation: Recently I was going through old pictures (okay I admit, it's a daily thing) and I came across some 'selfies' from last year. I didn't even recognize myself! Whether it's because I got my teeth whitened, hair extensions along with getting my hair dyed, I lost some weight, got a whole new wardrobe, or just simply the fact that I'm a little older, I think I look pretty different.

The picture on the left is from April of last year, and the picture on the right is from this September, so that makes it a difference of 4 or 5 months between the two pictures.

 

 

 

Current Excitement: Having a real live German live in my room, in my house, and hang out and have fun with me for an entire two weeks is PRETTY DARN EXCITING I'D SAY! We've already experienced so many things and it's only been a few days, and her stay isn't even half way over! We have many more exciting things planned and I'm psyched to do every one of them with her.

 

Since I've already mentioned Zoe a million times, I'll try to think of something else exciting that's coming up in my life. Perhaps... Halloween? Christmas... CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE RADIO. It may seem early to you, but it's never too early for me. Bring it on, Santa.

 



 

 

Current Frustration: Algebra. Algebra 2 will be the death of me. Piecewise functions, absolute values, graphing inequalities... I can't do it. I don't even care if I fail anymore, I've tried everything and I still can't wrap my head around all those crazy numbers. I'm thinking of dropping down a level, but it's going to screw up my entire school schedule. It's either accept the F, or good-bye social life.

 

Current Exercise of Choice:  Really, I haven't been exercising much. I've been getting an overwhelming amount of textbooks thrown at my head every night by my teachers, and on top of all the school work I have clubs, church, babysitting, and social priorities (which usually involve some form of exercise, i.e. dances, walking, mini-golfing, etc. I have been going to the gym twice a week though with an severely overweight girl in the grade above me who I'm trying to help out. I don't get much of a workout, but any type of movement is a workout for her and will help her inch closer to her goals. Other than that, I've just been riding my bike, walking, or going to the gym on my own a few times a week. I also have 1 to 2 two-hour soccer games a week which get my heart rate soaring! Soccer games are probably my favorite way to exercise and burn calories.

 

 

 

 

Current Movie: The last movie I saw was actually just yesterday when Zoe and I decided we had to see this movie, The Maze Runner. Neither of us read any of the books nor have any interest to- we just like watching the movie long after the book comes out, haha. The movie kept us on the edge of our seats, literally falling out of the seat and screaming like little girls "DONT DO IT, DONT GO IN THERE" and what does Thomas do? He goes in there. But of course he lives. I have yet to see a movie where the main character dies- comment if you have! I feel like once one movie came out like that, there would be several more, and eventually all the movie theaters would be filled with depressing films with devastating predictable outcomes that make you want to curl up in your bed and cry as if that will make the main character come back to life.

 

 

 

 

That's all for this edition of Currently Magazine. Kidding. I don't have a magazine yet.

 

Kidding, I never actually will.

 

Kidding, think positive Leanne.

 

Kidding, I don't know how to think positive.

 

Kidding. I've been up for 20 hours, stop judging me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





6 Original Poems

My creative writing class is almost worthy of calling life changing. I had forgotten about the world that writing takes you into. The world of words that are more than words, whose words mean different things to everyone who reads them, whose words change and challenge minds and inspire new thoughts and ideas, whose words turn thoughts and ideas into ambition and dreams. It's a world you've never been to if you've never poured out your heart and soul onto a piece of paper or into a keyboard.

We just finished our poetry unit in the creative writing class, where we wrote six different poems. I'm going to pretend that I'm 100% confident in every word that spilled out of my mind onto the page, and just share all six of them with you.

Number ONE:

The first poem I wrote is an ekphrasis, or a description of a work of art, in this case a painting, in the form of a poem or literary passage. I looked at this image below, by Mary Cassatt, and wrote a poem based on the story I imagined when I examined the portrait.

The Depth of Beauty

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IhN6dutNd1dKmr4tfSH3XfJJISl-leTGmsR3NKVcp9g/edit?usp=sharing

Number TWO:

The second poem I wrote is definitely my favorite of all, simply because I love the style and flow of this type of poem. It's called a Villanelle, which is written with a very specific rhyme scheme and order of the lines. The first and third line in the first stanza are repeated several times throughout the poem. This one represents how people are so helpless and don't rely on their faith in God to carry them over the mountain of their struggles, even though he is right there waiting to be called upon.

The Mighty One Waits

https://docs.google.com/document/d/12ZFufWJXMhj...sp=sharing 

Number THREE:

The third poem is my free verse, which means there is no specific rules or rhyme scheme to follow. My favorite poems are the ones that flow without having to rhyme, because they usually carry a deeper message and use more figurative language. This poem is full of oxymorons, and before you claim that they don't make sense, scan your mind to find a possible relation between the line and your life. You may have to get really creative and poetic to uncover the illustrative message in disguise.

Flawless Misery

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1R7o2hj4ZklqPoNOQsVNCU-03xenpIEBtV2DkHYH3zu8/edit?usp=sharing


Number FOUR:

This fourth poem is actually a song. It's the first song I've ever written, and I've matched it up to some chords on my guitar. It's not very good, at least I don't think so, but I think it's decent for my first go at songwriting. :)

I Need You to Know

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YgMNZbjRYdrTQ4flyL8Sc77C4J-zsay5m4zoApo2j6k/edit?usp=sharing


Number FIVE:

Number five is a haiku- definitely not my favorite type of poem, to write nor to read, so I made it in about 3 minutes and went on with my live. It's only three lines, there's no rhyme scheme, and you'll rarely see a haiku that actually appears to make sense. Since it'd so short, I'm just going to paste it below right onto the blog.

Destroyed

Severed and beaten,
from light to darkness it fades,
a mind now crumbling to ashes.

Number SIX:

Last but not least, this is my Shakespearean sonnet. Oh, the good old sonnet... 14 lines, rhyme scheme A B A B C D C D E F E F G G (in human terminology- every other line rhymes, and then the last two rhyme), all written in this annoying thing called iambic pentameter that I couldn't begin to try to explain, but if you've gone through a high school English or literature course, you'll know what I'm talking about. This sonnet is simply about the change of season, and the Fall spirit that permeates through the air at this time of year.

The Rise of Autumn

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-Fm3_tuDdAX2b-ydKC-bxGIeRk85jdoZYHk4_rXOd8Y/edit?usp=sharing


I hope you enjoyed my poems and they were too terribly awful. I can post all my assignments from my creative writing course throughout the year, if anyone would be interested. Let me know in the comments what you thought!

My 4 Year EDversery

4 years ago today, I stepped on the scale in gym class, as a spunky and carefree 11 year old. I was a chubby, innocent, lighthearted spirit, who was just a little too loud and a little too outspoken. I sold girl scout cookies each year and worked my butt off to add badges to my little brownie vest. I went to gymnastics each week and overflowed with happiness and pride when I mastered a new skill. I lugged my baritone (similar to a tuba) through the halls of my elementary school and onto the big yellow school bus- back and forth, everyday. I loved when people made comments about how strong my arms must be, how many pushups I must be able to do from carrying that heavy load here and there. I can't recollect anyone ever commenting that I was too small for that huge instrument. Maybe I chose to learn the biggest instrument because I thought it would suit me best. Maybe it suited me best because I pictured myself as a deep-voiced, masculine female whose picture would be plastered on the Wall of Fame many years from now. Maybe way back in fourth grade when I was presented with the pamphlet displaying 20 instruments to choose from, and I chose the baritone, maybe then I was already developing a distorted sense of self at age 9. Only one other girl played the baritone with me. Her name was Grace. Grace has an odd relationship with food.

It was no big deal, I mean, they weigh everyone at the beginning of every year. The scale just measures your relationship with gravity, for crying out loud. It's painless and effortless to be weighed. You step up onto a small, square metal platform, and watch as the nurse slides that little thing back and forth until it appears to be balanced. Then they say "Okay, thank you. You can step off and put your shoes back on," and you quickly shove your feet back into your sneakers and run over to where your friends are chatting and giggling. That's how I used to look at it, and desperately wish I still did.

This specific year, after a summer of hanging out by the local pool, traveling to Virginia and then exploring the museums and historic landmarks of Washington D.C., I had not thought about my weight for even a second. Until the first week back to school that year, I never really considered going on a 'diet'. Most 11 year olds haven't, of course, and there's reason to be concerned if they have. As I stood in line to be weighed that afternoon in gym class, I wasn't really expecting the scale to read a number much higher than 100. When it was my turn, I hopped on with no hesitation like I'd done every year, not knowing it was the last time I'd ever step foot on a scale again without inevitable tears and anxiety.

 

 

When I stared in shock at a three digit number that was substantially higher than 100, my life changed at that very moment. I don't mean this figuritively when I say that nothing I did would ever be the same again from that day on. How could I have let myself get this fat, I wondered. I performed my first real 'body check' that day when I returned home from school, and it was the first time I thought to myself "Man, I really got to do something about this. Enough is enough." That month I lost nearly 10 pounds.

Since that moment, I've never enjoyed a donut. I've never willingly took even a sip of a non-diet soft drink. I've never built an icecream sundae with my friends, I've never bit into a giant stack of pancakes on a Sunday morning, I've never ordered anything but a salad when going out to eat. I've never spread butter on my toast, and I've never sunk my teeth into a sandwich with white bread. I've never enjoyed an ice-cream from the ice-cream truck, I've never sat in front of the TV with a torn-open pack of Oreo's or chocolate chip cookies, and I've never been to a birthday party where I haven't passed up the crème filled vanilla cake with two pounds of buttercream frosting and a bucket of rainbow sprinkles spilled over the top. Since that moment, I haven't lived. My childhood flashed before my eyes at that moment. My heart sunk into my stomach and my mind began spinning in inexhaustible circles at that moment.

This afternoon, 4 years later, I nervously walked into my high school gym class. I made sure that I was the last one in line when they called us all up to record heights and weights so that nobody would be around to peak at or overhear the number. There were only four girls in line, me being one of them. The other three were Juniors, and I anxiously awaited my turn behind them and I listened in on their conversation about classwork and teachers. How could they be moments away from stepping on a scale, and be thinking about something completely unrelated? How could they not give a care in the world about the number that was about to define their existence?

Oh, that's right.

They don't have eating disorders. That number was going to mean next to nothing to them, except maybe a friendly reminder that they need to eat a few less potato chips and maybe get the low-fat ranch on their starter salad next time they eat out.

How can something that means the world to me be so miniscule to other girls my age? What did I do wrong? Why am I so different from them?

The girls in front of me were heading on their way back to the bleachers, and I was motioned by the nurse to come forward. My mind flashed back to 4 years ago as I removed my Vans and pushed them up against the wall.

"Last name?" She seemed nice.

"Spiegle." I managed to get the word out before my mouth got dry and zippered itself shut. Running her finger down the chart of names she said "Ah, here you are. Okay, Leanne. You can step on now."

And that is the end of the story. I didn't look. I made it clear to her that I didn't want to know what it was, because I don't let numbers measure my worth or my level of success. I'm perfect the way that God made me.

 

 

Give me a moment while I pray that I remember that tomorrow morning when I'm at my quarterly weigh-in and they don't let me leave without mentioning the evil number 48274938 times. ;) It'll be the first time in four months that I become aware of my weight, and yes, I'm absolutely terrified, but I'm ready. Healthy, normal people can know what they weigh without letting it ruin their life. Someday, I want to be healthy and normal. My steps may be small, but they're leading me forward.