I discovered a few old files on my computer at school today.
One of them specifically caught my eye, and it's a paragraph I wrote about 6 months ago in September. It perfectly portrays the rollercoaster that constantly goes on inside my head, although now that I look back and read what I wrote, I realize that I'm not as deeply trapped inside my mind of corrosive thoughts as I was before.
I titled the paragraph "The War Within Me":
"Whenever you think it’s over, it’s not. Whenever you think you’re happy, you’re not. You’re never truly happy. That feeling is a result of listening to what the evil voice in your head tells you to do. You feel accomplished, like you’ve finally done something right; when in reality, you’ve hurt yourself further. You’ve fallen deeper, into this trap of a disorder; into this cycle of slow suicide. You’re breaking. But you can’t do anything about it; you’re not in control anymore. When you do something the disorder doesn’t approve of, you not only hate what you did, but you hate yourself. You hate your life. You want to end everything, you want to give up. To you, it’s a total failure that robs you of all motivation to go on. During that period of worthlessness after your evil act, it’s a chore to pick up your feet; it’s painful to wake each morning; there is no sign of light anywhere, no sign of anything getting any better. You see in black and white. What sun? It looks like a dreadful day to you. This is not a life anyone would want to live. It’s a life you would end if it was always like that. But it’s NOT. It’s part of a cycle; the cycle that’s keeping you alive, yet killing you at the same time. You need to punish yourself for the terrible thing you did. You want to hurt yourself, you want to fast for days on end... what’s stopping you? Nothing is at first. At first you are determined and self-disciplined. You start to feel better; you start to feel like you’ve made up for what you’ve done. You feel that fake happiness again- you made the disorder happy. That voice inside your head that had its arms around your neck a few days ago has let go, and it applauding you. It’s pleased because you obeyed it. But then… you slip up. You did it again. You worthless piece of trash you! Why didn’t you stop yourself? You are an embarrassment, you always screw things up. Now you need to punish yourself. Why’d you do it in the first place? Why did you eat?"
I still feel the things described in the paragraph above, but on a smaller scale. When I read things I wrote a while ago, it makes me reflect on how much I have overcome and how far I've traveled on the road to recovery. I'd definitely recommend documenting your journey to wellness, or even just writing little notes and tidbits of information about what you're going through at the moment. It'll help you realize in the future that things do get better, and that that isn't just some cheesy saying.
The other day I decided to write a poem about some things going through my mind at this point in my life. I may forget everything I'm thinking right now a few months down the road, or maybe these thoughts will become plans and these plans will become actions and these actions will become my personal revolution. But for now, they are just words on a piece of notebook paper from directly out of my crazy whirlpool of a brain. ;)
Here is the poem I wrote yesterday.
"Living out LOUD"
~
I want to soar like a falcon,
Travel round the world,
Explore every city,
Be confident and bold.
I want to dance in the storms,
Smile at the sun,
Live each day as my last,
My only goal ’d be having fun.
I want to believe in my power
To inspire and make a change,
The society is ugly,
With just ourselves to blame.
I want to prove them all wrong,
So I’ll do what I believe,
Because I play to my own song,
And I believe in me. ~
What a huge emotional shift from that grim dispiriting paragraph! I'm pretty proud at how far I've come, and I know God is smiling down at me.
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